In October of 2017 our lives as we knew it changed forever. That’s the day my husband admitted and decided to seek out treatment for his addiction. When real-life yuck hits you out of nowhere, you live to take one moment at at time. If you don’t you will drowned in the pain, anger, resentment, shame and embarrassment in what you believe your loved one has done to you.
Months later, as we exit one season and enter another, now that he has been sober for more than 20 months, I am now allowing myself to feel. The feelings of insecurities, fear and the most dangerous one, anger, are boiling over.
I’ve questioned God more than once asking why me? What am I suppose to do this now? Does He have a purpose for this new life? How does He know if even I’m strong enough for this new season? I’ve cried out, surrendered, cried out and questioned again.
When I hit my boiling point with anger, I am doubting what God is doing in my life. I am saying that the plan I had for my life is better than His plan for me. Even though I cry out for clarity, I surrender myself to His plan, I pray for guidance, if He told me the future I would be completely overwhelmed. I need to stand and believe in God’s power that he will accomplish what He wants to do with me, but in His time. I don’t want my anger to harden my heart toward His greater plan.
As I continue down this road of addiction, I am learning to trust God different ways. By loving deeper, growing in faith, becoming more knowledgable, looking at the multiple blessings along the way, and being humbled; when the anger comes and life is hard, I know that God is faithful and is working for my good.