The last few days have been overcast and cold. The shorter days, mixed with thick clouds are welcomed since they compliment my current mood. This last week has been so hard to get out of bed, and honestly the sunshine seems too bright and happy.
Most days I’m fine, I’m strong, and can face what the day holds. However today I don’t feel like putting on the smile or pretending like life is ok. On days like today I’m just exhausted. I want to be alone. I want to be sad. I want to be angry. I don’t want to be strong. I just want to sit in the dark!
My husband did go to jail the Monday after Thanksgiving. He will be gone until February. He is alone in a local jail, and the kids and I are without a husband and father for the next three months. Our family is better together and being apart for another three months isn’t working for me. My husband and I have always been a team, after 18 years you learn that you have to lean on each other to be successful. I know that we can do it apart, but I don’t want to. I don’t want any of this! I am grieving his absence and know that everything would be better if he was just next to me. I just miss him terribly and no one but him can make it better.
Those who know me are aware this is very unlike me. However we all have our down days, mine has just been extended. I won’t stay in the dark, I have to promise myself that. I have my God, my family, my friends, and most importantly my kids who are watching me and gaining their strength from me. I have been my husband’s cheerleader for so long and had unwavering hope for mercy. It didn’t work! To be honest, my hope is hard to find at the moment. I am still wearing my bracelet, but I think I’m too scared to hope at the moment. I’m unsure of what the future holds at this point; and I’m not sure if I have any more strength or want to do it without him.
I know soon the clouds will clear and the sun will shine again. I know that I have many blessings, I just need to try harder to look for them. I know my God is feeling everything I am feeling right now, and is protecting my husband from danger and loneliness. We will make it through and be a team again. But right now I just need a few days of sitting in the dark.